There are no seat belts on school buses!

Have you ever noticed there are no seat belts on school buses?  What?!  Have you ridden on one of these buses lately?  I’ve had the not so fabulous pleasure on quite a few field trips in the past 6-7 years, and I have to say, I notice this every single time.  Fixate may be an even more appropriate word.

How is this okay I’d like to know?  We have so many seat belt laws for cars.  Kids aren’t allowed to ride without being in a booster seat until they are 8 years old! They’re not allowed in the front seat until being a teenager!  How do we send our children to school at the age of 5 on these buses where they have NO protection?!  It’s wrong I tell you!  Every time they go over a speed bump, these tinier kids go flying up in the air – especially the farther back in the bus you go.  They’re not supposed to stand up on the bus, but who’s there to stop them?  I know from my own children that kids crawl under and over these seats all the time on the way to and from school.  And, I’m always left with an overwhelming feeling of, “This is NOT safe!” 

Last summer, I had one of the most vivid dreams of my entire life.  It was the night before my dad passed away.  He’d had 4^th stage lung cancer for over a year, and once it had travelled to his brain, we knew we didn’t have long - a matter of days, weeks, or possibly a month.  Hospice had been called in.  And, not too long after, I got the call telling me he’d gone to sleep on a Tuesday night and he hadn’t been conscious since.  I was making plans to go be with him that next day.  But, before I woke up that morning, the unconscious part of my brain was trying hard to make sense of all of this.

In my dream, I was on a school bus with my family.  We were in the back, and we were flying through the streets!  There was an ominous feeling.  I felt like we were in danger.  And I was terrified! The driver was speeding crazily and swirving every which way.  We were trying to get away from something.  And, I was very aware that I was attempting, with no success at all, to get my seat belt fastened around myself and my youngest daughter who was on my lap (you can do that on school buses too – hold kids on your lap).  I just kept feeling and thinking, “We are not safe” “We are not safe”!  And, every time I would almost get the seat belt fastened, we would take another quick swerve, and I would have to start over again.  Each time, my attempts became more and more frantic.  The dream eventually morphed (as dreams do) into other very vivid and poignant metaphors.  And, I eventually woke up in a cold sweat.  Sobbing.

Needless to say, this dream had a huge impact on me.   I wrote it down as soon as I woke up.  I have never had such a relevant dream to something that was happening in my life before.  It doesn’t take a Freudian analyst to see why I had that dream.  My life felt out of control – because it was!  I couldn’t stop what was about to happen.  I couldn’t stop the grief and bereavement I was about to walk through.  But, I felt like there were even deeper layers to it than I initially was even aware.  And so, I  thought about it, analyzed it, thought about it, and analyzed it some more.  Many times over.  Because…..that’s what I do. 

A few months later, I was sharing this dream with a trusted group in my life, when I had some new epiphanies.  It was like I was seeing it again for the first time. And,  I was struck by the realization that night that it was God that was driving the school bus.  This had not occurred to me before.  Was He trying to protect me?  Was He the cause of this danger?  I couldn’t quite tell.  But, He was there.  What I know was He was in the driver’s seat!  And, I was not.  He had the control.  And, I did not.  I was merely in the back – trying to protect myself.  I had just made this realization when a very wise friend said, “I wonder what’s with the seat belt?”  “You’re always saying how there are no seatbelts on school buses.” (I guess I talk about this a lot...) And, it came to my realization that  the seat belt represented all the ways I try to protect myself – to keep myself from pain.

How had I not noticed this before?!  Me!  The one who is always talking about no seat belts on school buses!  I hadn’t noticed that I had, in fact, created one for myself! (Because…they’re not there)  It was all my own creation.  The seat belt was merely representing everything that I do - that I turn to, that I hide behind, that I use to protect myself or numb my feelings of fear and pain.  All my coping mechanisms, if you will, that I rely on to keep myself feeling safe.  To keep me or the ones I love from experiencing pain or hurt.  And, it is never enough.  There is no way to keep yourself insulated enough from sadness, tragedy or loss in this lifetime and on this side of heaven.  There are no 5 steps for living a care-free life! 

So, what does it mean that God is at the wheel?  Let me start by saying that I’m not totally sure that God being in the driver’s seat of what feels like a totally out-of-control school bus is the only metaphor I have had for God in my life -- thankfully.  It was how that particular period of time felt for me at that moment.  But, the fact that He was the driver was a great discovery for me.  To continue with the metaphor -- He does navigate us through some pretty treacherous events and some very dangerous parts of town in this life.  Sometimes we can’t get away from them.  It comforts me to know He’s the one in the driver’s seat.  And, if He is in the driver’s seat, there is nothing that can ultimately hurt me because He “will lead me home”. 

But, He doesn’t protect us from pain, does He?  Therein…. lies the rub.  Now, I want you to know that I’m fully aware that for each of my painful experiences, I know of so many others out there who have experienced pain 10 or more times worse.  So easy, then, is it for me to sit here and wax eloquent.... I'm almost done; I promise.

If I can’t stop the tragedies, what are my options?  It seems to me there are two – I can either attempt to take matters into my own hands  -- or….I can trust.  I can either struggle to fasten that make-believe seat belt and exhaust all of my attempts to protect myself from experiencing pain or I can sit back, and let God be the navigator of my life and rest in the fact that this is not my home.  Every attempt at making this life the fulfillment of all my pain-free dreams is futile.  It’s not possible.  He’s gone to prepare a place for me.  And He will take me there.  I don’t know when.  I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow.  But, I know where I’m going.  I know God is continually calling me to trust Him.  To look to Him.  To stop my needless worrying.  To stop trying to rely on my own attempts to live a care-free life.  To live for Him and my ultimate destiny. 

Can I be honest with you?  I really suck at doing this!  I’m so in the middle of this process—it’s not even funny!  I fail all the time! ALL the time!!! You know what’s awesome?!  It doesn’t matter!  God loves me!  It’s not really up to me to get it right!  It’d be easier on me if I did….but God just keeps on pursuing my heart every day.  Using each situation as it comes to remind me of two things:

He is in the driver’s seat and……

There are NO seat belts on school buses!