"Let Us Fix Our Eyes"

There is a message that has continually be in my mind this last week.  It keeps entering at different points and in different ways, but the content has been relentless and unchanging.  And, it is the pure and simple, “Look into My eyes” that Jesus calls to each of us. 

As we were getting ready to go to church this morning, I had this overwhelming desire to stay home.  I had been upsetting my children in the way I was asking them to do their hair better – that’s probably putting it mildly.  I’m sure what I said sounded like a disgusted, “Is that how you’re going to wear your hair?”  To which such a question and tone, they did not take too kindly (understandably). And, then, Emily, who is only 3 (so why do I care so much) decided to wear two different types of headbands in her hair.  She had hair sticking up every which way.  I envisioned her arriving at church, with people wondering why her mother didn’t bother fixing her hair “right” that morning.  It occurs to me now, that sometimes I’m not actually caring about my children. I’m caring about what other people think of me.  I care way too much what other people think.   And in the end, I’m caring more about my reputation than I am caring about my children. 

It was in this frame of mind that I entered church this morning.  Feeling like I’m failing again.  Asking God to meet me. To speak to me.  And, wouldn’t you know, it was this same message that has been rattling around in my brain all week that was preached this morning.

You’re not surprised, are you?  

 I’m not either.

The pastor asked a question that I feel like God has been preparing me for: “What is the familiar pattern you default to when life gets really hard?  Does this pattern reveal a ‘holding on’ to Christ or losing grip and slipping back?” 

I want so much to really “hold on” to Christ.  But, if I’m being honest, I felt myself slipping back this week into a default mode.  Slipping into a pattern of life that I don’t want to be in, but one that was all too familiar.  A way of thinking about myself and the world that screams of negativity and a sense of defeat before I’ve even begun.  There was a heaviness on my chest.   I felt like a battle was going on for my mind and my heart.  

 My familiar pattern that I default to is comparison and perfectionism.  When I begin to compare myself to other people, I almost always lose in my eyes.  It starts out innocently enough.  I just want to know what other people are doing out there.  How do they blog?  Raise their kids?  Manage their household?  Dress? Look?  It very soon can spin out of control until I could almost end up curled in the fetal position at the foot of my bed if I really let myself.   

The way I have coped with this through the years is by trying to control my world, to make things as perfect as I possibly can.  Try to look good in others’ eyes.  Caring way too much about others’ opinion of me.  When perfect is the standard (or keeping up with the Jones’ as it compares to others), I am, and any of my efforts are, always lacking eventually.  Even, if at first I am able to, it doesn’t last for long.  There is always someone or something that is better.  And, if that remains my standard, I am defeated.  

Perfectionism, consequently, squeezes the life out of anything I do.  It feels like a noose around my neck.  It kills any form of creativity, freedom or pleasure in who I am and what I am doing.  And, it eventually stunts my growth as a human being.  I end up feeling stuck, and unable to move forward.  Not to mention, it leaves me completely unable to love others well, and maybe even at all, when in this mode.

The antidote that the pastor spoke of, to this “slipping back” pattern that we all do in our own unique ways, was from Hebrews 12:1 & 2.  And, as you already know, it echoes the same message I’ve been receiving all week:

“..let us throw off everything that hinders and

the sin that so easily entangles, and

let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus,

The author and perfector of our faith”.

If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts, you may be aware that my One Word for this year is “Dance”, and if I am to truly dance and be led by God this year, I know He’s been telling me this week to look into His eyes.  That is easier said than done some weeks.  It was this week anyway. The image that I’m reminded of is that of a horse that has to wear blinders, so they don’t get spooked by what’s around them.  They can only look straight ahead at where they’re supposed to be going. 

I am positive I will be posting more on this subject.  This is a recurring message and theme of my life right now.  If it resonates with you, I hope you’ll follow along. 

I was really struck by all the music we sang this morning, but here are a few lines from different songs that jumped out at me .

From “In Christ Alone”:

No guilt in life no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life’s first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

Till He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.

From “Jesus I am Resting Resting”:

Ever lift Thy face upon me

As I work and wait for Thee

Resting ‘neath Thy smile Lord Jesus

Earth’s dark shadows flee

Brightness of my Father’s glory

Sunshine of my Father’s face

Keep me ever trusting resting

Fill me with Thy grace.