There are no seat belts on school buses!

Have you ever noticed there are no seat belts on school buses?  What?!  Have you ridden on one of these buses lately?  I’ve had the not so fabulous pleasure on quite a few field trips in the past 6-7 years, and I have to say, I notice this every single time.  Fixate may be an even more appropriate word.

How is this okay I’d like to know?  We have so many seat belt laws for cars.  Kids aren’t allowed to ride without being in a booster seat until they are 8 years old! They’re not allowed in the front seat until being a teenager!  How do we send our children to school at the age of 5 on these buses where they have NO protection?!  It’s wrong I tell you!  Every time they go over a speed bump, these tinier kids go flying up in the air – especially the farther back in the bus you go.  They’re not supposed to stand up on the bus, but who’s there to stop them?  I know from my own children that kids crawl under and over these seats all the time on the way to and from school.  And, I’m always left with an overwhelming feeling of, “This is NOT safe!” 

Last summer, I had one of the most vivid dreams of my entire life.  It was the night before my dad passed away.  He’d had 4^th stage lung cancer for over a year, and once it had travelled to his brain, we knew we didn’t have long - a matter of days, weeks, or possibly a month.  Hospice had been called in.  And, not too long after, I got the call telling me he’d gone to sleep on a Tuesday night and he hadn’t been conscious since.  I was making plans to go be with him that next day.  But, before I woke up that morning, the unconscious part of my brain was trying hard to make sense of all of this.

In my dream, I was on a school bus with my family.  We were in the back, and we were flying through the streets!  There was an ominous feeling.  I felt like we were in danger.  And I was terrified! The driver was speeding crazily and swirving every which way.  We were trying to get away from something.  And, I was very aware that I was attempting, with no success at all, to get my seat belt fastened around myself and my youngest daughter who was on my lap (you can do that on school buses too – hold kids on your lap).  I just kept feeling and thinking, “We are not safe” “We are not safe”!  And, every time I would almost get the seat belt fastened, we would take another quick swerve, and I would have to start over again.  Each time, my attempts became more and more frantic.  The dream eventually morphed (as dreams do) into other very vivid and poignant metaphors.  And, I eventually woke up in a cold sweat.  Sobbing.

Needless to say, this dream had a huge impact on me.   I wrote it down as soon as I woke up.  I have never had such a relevant dream to something that was happening in my life before.  It doesn’t take a Freudian analyst to see why I had that dream.  My life felt out of control – because it was!  I couldn’t stop what was about to happen.  I couldn’t stop the grief and bereavement I was about to walk through.  But, I felt like there were even deeper layers to it than I initially was even aware.  And so, I  thought about it, analyzed it, thought about it, and analyzed it some more.  Many times over.  Because…..that’s what I do. 

A few months later, I was sharing this dream with a trusted group in my life, when I had some new epiphanies.  It was like I was seeing it again for the first time. And,  I was struck by the realization that night that it was God that was driving the school bus.  This had not occurred to me before.  Was He trying to protect me?  Was He the cause of this danger?  I couldn’t quite tell.  But, He was there.  What I know was He was in the driver’s seat!  And, I was not.  He had the control.  And, I did not.  I was merely in the back – trying to protect myself.  I had just made this realization when a very wise friend said, “I wonder what’s with the seat belt?”  “You’re always saying how there are no seatbelts on school buses.” (I guess I talk about this a lot...) And, it came to my realization that  the seat belt represented all the ways I try to protect myself – to keep myself from pain.

How had I not noticed this before?!  Me!  The one who is always talking about no seat belts on school buses!  I hadn’t noticed that I had, in fact, created one for myself! (Because…they’re not there)  It was all my own creation.  The seat belt was merely representing everything that I do - that I turn to, that I hide behind, that I use to protect myself or numb my feelings of fear and pain.  All my coping mechanisms, if you will, that I rely on to keep myself feeling safe.  To keep me or the ones I love from experiencing pain or hurt.  And, it is never enough.  There is no way to keep yourself insulated enough from sadness, tragedy or loss in this lifetime and on this side of heaven.  There are no 5 steps for living a care-free life! 

So, what does it mean that God is at the wheel?  Let me start by saying that I’m not totally sure that God being in the driver’s seat of what feels like a totally out-of-control school bus is the only metaphor I have had for God in my life -- thankfully.  It was how that particular period of time felt for me at that moment.  But, the fact that He was the driver was a great discovery for me.  To continue with the metaphor -- He does navigate us through some pretty treacherous events and some very dangerous parts of town in this life.  Sometimes we can’t get away from them.  It comforts me to know He’s the one in the driver’s seat.  And, if He is in the driver’s seat, there is nothing that can ultimately hurt me because He “will lead me home”. 

But, He doesn’t protect us from pain, does He?  Therein…. lies the rub.  Now, I want you to know that I’m fully aware that for each of my painful experiences, I know of so many others out there who have experienced pain 10 or more times worse.  So easy, then, is it for me to sit here and wax eloquent.... I'm almost done; I promise.

If I can’t stop the tragedies, what are my options?  It seems to me there are two – I can either attempt to take matters into my own hands  -- or….I can trust.  I can either struggle to fasten that make-believe seat belt and exhaust all of my attempts to protect myself from experiencing pain or I can sit back, and let God be the navigator of my life and rest in the fact that this is not my home.  Every attempt at making this life the fulfillment of all my pain-free dreams is futile.  It’s not possible.  He’s gone to prepare a place for me.  And He will take me there.  I don’t know when.  I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow.  But, I know where I’m going.  I know God is continually calling me to trust Him.  To look to Him.  To stop my needless worrying.  To stop trying to rely on my own attempts to live a care-free life.  To live for Him and my ultimate destiny. 

Can I be honest with you?  I really suck at doing this!  I’m so in the middle of this process—it’s not even funny!  I fail all the time! ALL the time!!! You know what’s awesome?!  It doesn’t matter!  God loves me!  It’s not really up to me to get it right!  It’d be easier on me if I did….but God just keeps on pursuing my heart every day.  Using each situation as it comes to remind me of two things:

He is in the driver’s seat and……

There are NO seat belts on school buses!

"Let Us Fix Our Eyes"

There is a message that has continually be in my mind this last week.  It keeps entering at different points and in different ways, but the content has been relentless and unchanging.  And, it is the pure and simple, “Look into My eyes” that Jesus calls to each of us. 

As we were getting ready to go to church this morning, I had this overwhelming desire to stay home.  I had been upsetting my children in the way I was asking them to do their hair better – that’s probably putting it mildly.  I’m sure what I said sounded like a disgusted, “Is that how you’re going to wear your hair?”  To which such a question and tone, they did not take too kindly (understandably). And, then, Emily, who is only 3 (so why do I care so much) decided to wear two different types of headbands in her hair.  She had hair sticking up every which way.  I envisioned her arriving at church, with people wondering why her mother didn’t bother fixing her hair “right” that morning.  It occurs to me now, that sometimes I’m not actually caring about my children. I’m caring about what other people think of me.  I care way too much what other people think.   And in the end, I’m caring more about my reputation than I am caring about my children. 

It was in this frame of mind that I entered church this morning.  Feeling like I’m failing again.  Asking God to meet me. To speak to me.  And, wouldn’t you know, it was this same message that has been rattling around in my brain all week that was preached this morning.

You’re not surprised, are you?  

 I’m not either.

The pastor asked a question that I feel like God has been preparing me for: “What is the familiar pattern you default to when life gets really hard?  Does this pattern reveal a ‘holding on’ to Christ or losing grip and slipping back?” 

I want so much to really “hold on” to Christ.  But, if I’m being honest, I felt myself slipping back this week into a default mode.  Slipping into a pattern of life that I don’t want to be in, but one that was all too familiar.  A way of thinking about myself and the world that screams of negativity and a sense of defeat before I’ve even begun.  There was a heaviness on my chest.   I felt like a battle was going on for my mind and my heart.  

 My familiar pattern that I default to is comparison and perfectionism.  When I begin to compare myself to other people, I almost always lose in my eyes.  It starts out innocently enough.  I just want to know what other people are doing out there.  How do they blog?  Raise their kids?  Manage their household?  Dress? Look?  It very soon can spin out of control until I could almost end up curled in the fetal position at the foot of my bed if I really let myself.   

The way I have coped with this through the years is by trying to control my world, to make things as perfect as I possibly can.  Try to look good in others’ eyes.  Caring way too much about others’ opinion of me.  When perfect is the standard (or keeping up with the Jones’ as it compares to others), I am, and any of my efforts are, always lacking eventually.  Even, if at first I am able to, it doesn’t last for long.  There is always someone or something that is better.  And, if that remains my standard, I am defeated.  

Perfectionism, consequently, squeezes the life out of anything I do.  It feels like a noose around my neck.  It kills any form of creativity, freedom or pleasure in who I am and what I am doing.  And, it eventually stunts my growth as a human being.  I end up feeling stuck, and unable to move forward.  Not to mention, it leaves me completely unable to love others well, and maybe even at all, when in this mode.

The antidote that the pastor spoke of, to this “slipping back” pattern that we all do in our own unique ways, was from Hebrews 12:1 & 2.  And, as you already know, it echoes the same message I’ve been receiving all week:

“..let us throw off everything that hinders and

the sin that so easily entangles, and

let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus,

The author and perfector of our faith”.

If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts, you may be aware that my One Word for this year is “Dance”, and if I am to truly dance and be led by God this year, I know He’s been telling me this week to look into His eyes.  That is easier said than done some weeks.  It was this week anyway. The image that I’m reminded of is that of a horse that has to wear blinders, so they don’t get spooked by what’s around them.  They can only look straight ahead at where they’re supposed to be going. 

I am positive I will be posting more on this subject.  This is a recurring message and theme of my life right now.  If it resonates with you, I hope you’ll follow along. 

I was really struck by all the music we sang this morning, but here are a few lines from different songs that jumped out at me .

From “In Christ Alone”:

No guilt in life no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life’s first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

Till He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.

From “Jesus I am Resting Resting”:

Ever lift Thy face upon me

As I work and wait for Thee

Resting ‘neath Thy smile Lord Jesus

Earth’s dark shadows flee

Brightness of my Father’s glory

Sunshine of my Father’s face

Keep me ever trusting resting

Fill me with Thy grace.

...To be a Pretty Ballerina

I don’t know what I thought exactly.  That choosing a word for the year would some how miraculously change how each day feels?    

It doesn't. 

I’m actually reminded more as I begin this year, with the hope of dancing, – of sitting and watching Olivia’s ballet class all last year.   

Do you have any idea how boring a beginning ballet class can be?  

I mean, I love watching my own daughter do just about anything – don’t get me wrong.   But, it’s the same movements over and over and over again; week after week after week.  Accompanied by the slow, plinky beat of a terribly out-of-tune piano.  Each week, adding just a little bit more on, but only a little.  It’s my understanding (not being a classically-trained dancer myself) that this is all for the purpose of strengthening your muscles, and learning the five basic steps that all other dance is based on, so that as you begin to get better at those, you eventually (very eventually) can put the steps together – and create something beautiful out of it.  And, because your muscles have been built up – your body can then handle the different dances.  Fewer injuries.  Important things like that.

When Olivia was first enrolled in ballet years ago when she was three, my brother-in-law made a movie of her –a day-in-the-life – sort of movie that began with us getting her ready for her ballet class at home, riding in the car, crossing her “ballet bridge” as she liked to call it (even though it's the same bridge we take to nearly everywhere), and the grande finale was her dancing in her ballet class.  This is a treasured movie that we made copies of for all the grandparents and showed to extended family and friends that Christmas.   

What was also captured on film that day that I had no idea about until I was watching and hearing others’ reactions, was the state of my heart.  

As I was getting Olivia ready to get out the door – she was three – so I was the one stretching her leotard and tights on her  -- and I’m positive we were in a hurry because I usually am --I said something that got quite a bit of laughter – at my expense – and rightly so.  In a very Eeyore-esque way, as I was fighting with the tights, I said, “It takes a lot of work to be a pretty ballerina.”  Something my husband still likes to quote to this day, and God knows who else. 

Now, I’m not telling you this because I feel especially bad about it.  I don’t.  Any mom knows it’s hard to get your little ones out the door – it’s like herding cats most days.   

If I’m being honest, though, and that’s kind of the point of this whole blog-thing, it really shows that what I am mostly committed to in my life is Life being Easy.  

Maybe that’s not as apparent to you as it is to me, but I can tell you that it is true.  And, God in a very loving, gracious way is dealing with me on this.  And, as I begin this year, feeling called to dance with Him, He’s reminding me that to learn to dance, you have to strengthen some muscles.  It might feel a little boring because it’s not time to really spin around the dance floor yet.  I’m strengthening the muscle of listening to Him.  Every day.  I’m strengthening the muscle of yielding to His leading.  Every day.  I’m strengthening the muscle of looking into His face instead of those around me.  Every day.  Repeating the basics, day after day after day.  Be in My word, Grace.  Listen to My voice.  Every day.  These are all important muscles that need to be built up for me to really be able to Dance this year.

Truth be told, I do sound and feel like Eeyore sometimes.  And I also don’t really like or want to have to work hard.  But, I am comforted to know that God’s not just waiting for me to make it to the dance floor like some impatient partner. 

He’s right here with me; leading me every muscle-building step of the way.

My One Word

Hey everyone!  Have you made your New Years resolutions/goals for the year yet? 

If not, or even if you have – listen up!  Here is a great idea!

 I’ve decided to join the Resolution Revolution that I read about earlier this week on a blogsite  called The Deeper Story, and rather than choosing a whole list of resolutions for the year (or goals in my case) choose just one word that I feel is the essence of who I am to be this year and what I am being called to do.  I can hardly even tell you how much I LOVE this idea and how freeing I am finding it!   Some people do the 365 project, where they take a picture every day of the year – that is too big of a commitment for me – but this one is OneWord365project – it’s just one word that you focus on for the whole year – I can do this!

I have gone through so many words.  There were at least five that I almost settled on.  I had even started writing about one of them.  But, it just didn’t totally sit right with me.  It didn’t call me toward something that I was all that excited about!  And I started thinking – that’s probably not a good sign – it’s gonna be a long year!  So, I kept praying about it, and thinking about who I am in all the different circles I belong to… and what God has been doing in my life…and the direction I feel I’m being called toward this year...and this is the one word that I came to.

Drum Roll please…….

Dance 

This hits me on so many levels, which I hope to elaborate on more in future posts.  I love to dance!  Honestly, though, very few people know that about me.  I almost always feel too self-conscious to really totally enjoy myself. So, I rarely do. In order to truly let loose, it usually takes quite a bit of liquid courage.  And, I feel like there’s a part of myself that is longing to be free, but is never comfortable enough to completely let go.  This year I feel the call to emerge.  It’s not a call to just be – but to move.  To join the Divine music– and begin to live out who I authentically am.

On any given day I anticipate this word will feel differently.   Even just the difference between yesterday and today is surprising.  I settled on “dance” only last night, and it felt exhilarating – it felt right and perfect.  I spent a whole year last year learning to yield to God.  Listen to His voice.  Last year’s word was most definitely “Yield”.  And, it’s not that I’m not supposed to yield any longer – in fact it’s quite the opposite.  This year, some of my plans and dreams are coming to fruition or are just about to.  And, listening to His voice is becoming less about something I’m doing with my head and more about being led by my heart – yielding isn’t about waiting any longer; it’s not just learning to hear.  But, learning to follow.  It’s about allowing Him to lead me out onto the dance floor and begin to truly dance, as I follow His steps and listen to the beat of His music.  It gives me chills!  I'm still yielding, but this time we're moving.

This word, dance, is my word for the year because this is what I’m being called to  -- not where I’m coming from though.  Where I’m going, but not where I’ve been.   It’s actually more of a challenge than at first it might appear.  One I’m looking forward to, but a challenge nonetheless.   I woke up this morning feeling weighed down.  So many things in life that don’t really feel like dancing.   I started feeling afraid – what if it’s another hard year – like the last two have been?   Sometimes it feels hard enough just to put one foot in front of the other, much less dance.  Heck, sometimes it doesn’t even feel like walking – it’s more like climbing up one vertical rung at a time trying to emerge from the dark tunnel I’ve just been crawling through.  And I’m supposed to dance?  Are you kidding?

What I’ve come to realize today as I’ve faced some of these fears is this:  this call to dance, is less about the kind of music that will be playing in my life – you can dance to all kinds of music –  it’s more about a call to be fully present and engaged in each moment.  It’s about being beckoned out of my position as a wall flower to come dance with the Master of Ceremonies.  Emerge out of my comfort zone.  Come out of hiding.  Even if I’m a little afraid.  Especially when I am afraid. Willing to be seen by others but not to be looking to them.  To look into God’s eyes, as He leads me around the dance floor.  To truly be swept up in living! 

I initially didn’t have a particular verse that went with dancing. I had different verses for other words, but Dance is more a message that just resonated with my heart and what I know and experience God doing in my life right now.  It’s a message that makes sense based on who I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going.  But, I just looked up the word “dance”, and here is a verse that particularly jumped out at me.

Jeremiah 31:4

New International Version (NIV)

⁴ I will build you up again,
    and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt.
Again you will take up your timbrels
    and go out to dance with the joyful.

The past few years have been a time of rebuilding in my life.  And, now this is the year and the time for me to dance! 

If you have been inspired, and would like to join the resolution revolution, let me know.  I’d love to hear your One Word for the year too!

To really yield

It’s only day two of the new year.  How’s yours going so far?

I think I’m going through sugar withdrawal. 

I had the alarm set for 5 this morning, intending to start the new year off right!  I was planning to get to the gym and be back and showered before the rest of the family had even stirred.  It’s been about a month since I’ve stepped foot inside its’ doors.   But, when my alarm went off, I decided I could start doing that next week.  I admit, I was being a bit ambitious being that I’ve only done that about one time in my whole life.  I guess when the rubber meets the road, I’m more of an ease into the new year kind of girl. 

My two older daughters, Karis and Olivia, are back to school today.  Husband back to work – after a week and a half long vacation.  He was feeling the Sunday night blues four times over -- all day yesterday.  Can you relate?  I woke up this morning the second time (much later than five) wanting desperately to listen to God’s voice to see what the day should look like.  Sometimes when there are so many options on the table, I feel like I’m spinning around in circles trying to figure out the best direction to go. I was actually a little excited to get back to our old routine. 

But, my day was planned out for me already, I just didn’t know it yet.  Emily woke up with a high fever this morning and has only wanted to sit on my lap all morning.  From the outside, I’m sure it’s easy to see that that was exactly where I needed to be.  And, for those of you whose kids are grown, you’d do anything for another day of holding your little warm, squishy, three year old baby again. That is sadly not the attitude I was having.  I kept trying to talk her into lying in the bed – I’d be right there beside her in the chair.  I tried telling her I’d sit next to her in the bed --would she just please lay down – I’d be right there next to her!  Of course I’m thinking….I’ll be right there next to you doing all the more important things I need to do. 

She would have nothing to do with those ideas. 

So, there we sat all morning in the lazyboy in my room, comfy bed in sight.  All 32 pounds of her warm body lying heavily against me, blankets to boot.  Wasn’t even able to read really because I needed both arms to keep her propped up.  And, what else was there to do other than pray?   

God, what are you doing?  

 It’s obvious You just want me to sit here for awhile and be quiet.  

 I know, God, I know I should be enjoying this moment.  That this is the most important thing I have to do right now.   

Why is it so hard for me to be a servant?   

To have a servant’s heart?   

To put people before my list of things to do?   

You came to earth to be a servant, and I have such a hard time putting other people’s needs before mine.  I end up treating my family like they are just interruptions to the other-wise very important things I could be doing.   

That’s not who I want to be.   

Help me get my priorities straight.  

 Help me not to wish my life away.  

 Help me to learn from Ann Voskamp.  To be thankful for every moment.  

And, more importantly help me to want to be like You, to take up my cross daily and follow You.

 And, to really yield to You.   

Amen.